When will I learn??

"Why haven't you posted anything in so long" those of you who noticed ask? I've been way to embarrassed to write anything. I'm utterly ashamed by what I'm about to tell you all. Ex-best-friend and I have reconnected!!! I know, I know I'm disgusted with myself too.

Of course I spent the entire week after the incident obsessing over 'ex-best-friend'. I mean seriously obsessing and reflecting on wtf happened, which naturally leads to wft in all my previous relationships. There was a whole lot of reflecting going on! The only conclusion I could come to was that 'ex-best-friend' was a total asshole. I was happy with this conclusion and decided to move on and stop thinking about him so many years later. I was doing just find when 'ex-best-friend' makes yet another entrance into my life. I swear there was not connection between this event and his grandma's wedding. I was at a lounge celebrating a friend's birthday and he was there with a few of his friends. I hadn't noticed him at first but as I made my way to the ladies room he intercepted. I realized I didn't have enough drinks in me to tolerate him, so I replied to his hello and proceeded to walk into the ladies room. When I came out, he was still at the door waiting for me, which I find a bit on the creepy side if you ask me.

The gist of all his blabbing was to apologize for "EVERYTHING", as he liked to put it. I told him I'm over it and proceeded to walk, when he grabbed my hand (not in a Chris Brown/Rihanna way). "I just really need to talk to you Diva", he proclaimed. My first mistake (because as you may have guessed, there are many more) was the moment I convinced myself to listen. He goes on and on about how horrible he's felt all this time but was just too embarrassed to call me because he knew he was in the wrong, bla bla bla. Apparently he's been feeling horrible about this for so long... yeah, I'm not believing any of this btw. I tell him "You haven't crossed my mind in years, I'm over it. Enjoy your night" and walk away.

Fast forward 3 days, I get a call at home (who still calls people on a land line these days?). At first I had no idea who it was. I never imagined he would call me and wasn't expecting it. He's decided to continue the mantra he started the other night "I'm so sorry bla bla bla". I ask him what he wants at this point and he says he wants to know how I'm doing. Well he hasn't been bothered to ask me all this time in that time, so I say "I'm fine and about to walk out the door so thanks for the call bye". The next day, he shows up at my OFFICE!!! I HATE when people do this. I absolutely hate it. Yes, I am self-employed, but I'm not one of those people who likes to have friends drop into my office. After years of ignoring me, he found out my company name, googled it and found my website... wow, all of a sudden I'm worth all of this. So you get the picture, he's harassing me daily for a few more days when I agree to go for a drink with him (mistake #2).

Our drink turned into drinks, which turned into dinner. I heard all about the mistake he made giving his ex "another shot". Apparently that relationship ended shortly after it started but he was too embarrassed to call me and I'm glad he didn't. We update each other on what has happened in each other's lives and before I know it I get the same comfortable feeling of being around him that I used to feel years ago. It's like we just went back to where we were so long ago. It was so familiar and we have so much in common. Against my better judgement, I continued this for weeks until finally... we had the most amazing sex I've had in way too long! I knew instantly that it was a mistake (mistake #3), but I haven't had a guy make me feel this way in soooo long. You know what I'm talking right? When the way he smiles at you makes you melt, you get little butterflies when he touches you. You know that feeling? I'm even embarrassed that I'm saying this, but this is exactly what I was thinking and for once, I didn't want to analyze what I was doing, I just wanted to enjoy myself.

That went on for a few weeks and I totally loved every second of it. I haven't been with someone that made me feel that good (in every way) in so long. BUT after a while I realized that I simply can't get over what he did to me years before. I know it's been a long time, but every time I think about it, I still get mad. I still don't feel secure. For all I know he could do this again. I could only ignore that voice for so long when one night when he was over, he mentioned that he still talks to his 'ex'. That's all I needed to solidify that this would not work. It just wouldn't. Apparently they still get together from time to time. I don't know wft 'get together' means and I don't need to know! He stayed in touch with her, but never made an attempt to call me all this time? I know I said I'm glad he didn't, but an attempt would have been nice! Something to show that I crossed his mind. The only reason we were even talking then is because we bumped into each other, but he made the effort to keep her in his life. So I told him to get his shit and get out. I was too mad I didn't even care to explain it to him, I just wanted him to leave already.

I feel stupid, I should have never talked to him. He's called many, many times since, but I never answer his call. My life was so much better before he resurfaced. Sure it was a bit routine but I didn't have to deal with this drama.

I don't know why all my 'relationships' are such a joke? After a few days back on the 'reflecting' bandwagon I decided to take control of my relationships. I figured I'm dating the wrong guys. Guys who are not compatible with me, not marriage material, etc. I figured I have to be more practical with my approach. So what's more practical you ask? I joined an online dating service! This is never something I thought I'd have to do. The outcome so far has been a waste of my money. After the month is over, I'm not renewing this shit.

Apprently guys who are stable, relationship/marriage material are also... how do I put this without sounding vain... unfortunate looking. I just can't do it, I can't date someone I'm not physically attracted to, especially not after 'ex-best-friend'.